This week, I remembered who I am…
Not just the woman who sometimes forgets the washing in the machine (thrice). Not just the one who stares blankly at a cupboard wondering why she opened it. Not the overwhelmed version of me who apologises too much for simply “being Becky”.
No, this week, I was her.
“Ladies & Gentlemen… Her”. Iykyk.
The electric, Autistic, glorious version of myself. I felt powerful in ways that didn’t require anyone else’s approval. My brain which is wired beautifully different, has been ON IT. Woohoo! Hallelujah!
Ideas = Clicking.
Senses = Sharp.
Sassyness = Activated.
I planned, I created, I showed up. But not for the world. For me.
This week I didn’t mask as much….
- I stimm’d freely.
- I wore the soft pyjamas.
- I said “no” without explaining why.
- I said “yes” to things that lit me up.
- I brushed my hair. WINNER.
I followed the pattern of my own mind, not someone else’s checklist of what being “functional” should look like. It felt amazing. Like music I could finally dance along to.
& here’s the part I’m most proud of:
I didn’t doubt that this feeling belonged to me. I didn’t question if I “earned” it. I didn’t wait for the crash, or let guilt water it down. I let myself feel good without the bad vibes. Because joy doesn’t need a justification. Being Autistic doesn’t mean I’m only defined by my struggles!!! I contain multitudes. I am not a sad story; I am a radiant & often a contradictory force of nature.
Some weeks are for surviving…Some are for rest.. & some, like this one, are for rising. So I’m writing this down to remember. To keep a record for the next time I lose myself in the fog. & maybe, to light the way for someone else…. Because somewhere out there, another Neurodivergent woman needs to hear this:
You are powerful.
You are whole.
You are not too much,
Or not enough.
You are fire.