This week, the clothes pile became sentient & started judging me from the hallway.
The crumbs staged a quiet uprising on the kitchen floor.
The dog hairs danced in the air as I walked by.
& my executive functioning? Well, she packed her bags, turned off her phone & left me a sticky note that just said “Good Luck, Hun.”
I’m an Autistic woman & this week I couldn’t keep up with home life. Not really, not in the way I’d like to. Although my brain understands that this doesn’t make me a failure or a bad human, my thoughts & feelings sometimes throw a different party entirely.
It’s a silent disco of shame & “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s.”
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- You should be able to do this.
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- Other people manage.
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- You were fine last week, weren’t you?
Last week, I was productive & glowing. I prepped yummy meals, I folded towels into neat little origami swans (FINE, little squares), I made productivity lists & even followed them. But this week? This week, I’ve been underwater. Still breathing, but everything feels murky & heavier than it should be.
This is the part I find hard to talk about with friends & family… Because being Autistic & sometimes managing everything makes people think I always can & when I can’t? I feel like I’m breaking some unspoken contract I never actually signed. The pressure is immense.
But here’s the truth that I’m gently learning to sit with:
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- I am not a machine. I don’t run on autopilot.
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- I am a woman with a brilliant, busy brain & some weeks, my battery drains faster than others.
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- Even Superwoman needs a day off.
& that’s okay.
I am allowed to have slow days, I am allowed to leave the dishes, I am allowed to exist without managing, tidying, or fixing. Even if it feels uncomfortable. Even if the guilt creeps in.
This blog, this tiny corner of the internet, is my new place to exhale. To write things I wish someone else had written when I needed to hear them.
So, if you’re reading this & your week’s been a little wobbly too, if your house is a bit of a mess & your mind even messier… Please know you’re not alone.
We are not broken.
We are just human.
& the dishes can F****** wait.